I have started, well at least in theory,  the series of Portraits.  I have a list of questions that I have garnered from various sources including free online personality tests- the first stage to create a more 4dimensional portrai

It’s all well and good conjuring clever questions to by pass superficial pretty responses, to probe deeper into the hidden parts of self, like a default program running that will interfere and influence the running of the computer, and patently not on the desktop.  But I know already I am incapable of expressing the full essence and or personality of my subject- the fourth or fifth dimension.

Impossible because how can it be defined?  How can every aspect and facet of any human being ever be completely expressed? Of course I wonder to myself why i am attempting something that before i even start I know is impossible, yet I still feel called to try.  Maybe because the question, the explanation, the portrait is an interesting challenge, irrespective of whether it ‘succeeds’ and I am intrigued to find the lines –  the differentiation between the personality, soul and physicality. 

Searching images of ‘portrait’ it interests me to see the work that may be technically brilliant, yet somehow lacking any depth any personality or je ne sais quoi.  Yet some are raw and capture something, unspoken that swells out of the painting and touches something in me.  Like a silent unknowable conversation.  That moves me beyond words or logic.  It’s that indefinable quality that I’m searching for, ( along with the mundane) yet im aware that ‘normally’ that is captured by the artists brilliance. 

it’s the poetry that I have absolutely no idea if im skilled enough , or lucky enough to capture.  Its moments like this when my need for change and my artistic repertoire that is so wide, that I am not sure i have ‘mastered’ any. 

Well I wont know until I start.

But apart from the personal artistic challenge, Im fascinated to see how its affected me already.  How its challenging my belief in my personality, or at least my beliefs about who I think I am. Facsimile of facsimile. 

I think that if my personality, not my soul, is based on my past and that its manifestation is ultimately the choices I make, even down to the choice to think about something in a certain way, what I say, how I say it, where I go and what I do.  Then can i, in this fluid moment decide to choose something different, something against my set personality?

The only thing is, it seems so infantile, so unimportant, to say, make a decision to go to a hairdresser, even though its ingrained in my personality to cut my hair myself.  (because I have always hated going to hairdressers, who , in my opinion never listen to you and cut your hair a good 4 inches shorter than you want and who insist on drying it so that its all pouffy)   But does that really define me in any way?  other than maybe an example of a willingness to not follow a prescribed way of being, I know plenty ppl who would be horrified at cutting ones own hair, as “it’s just not done”.

And what about the habits – the reactions that seem to be so much a part of my M.O that I can barely identify them, never mind choose a different path……….

I am still percolating all this info and thoughts…..early days yet, will see what happens………

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