I have done another couple of interviews for the portraits. I see the reflection of myself and it bothers me – the crust of my personality. the places where I have become calcified against life. The petty hurts I want to prevent then successfully inflict.
I was feeling disillusioned.
felt affected by people.
Then in a blurry morning I remembered to look with my soul, with my heart eyes, and see the heart, the soul of the other and quite possibly all situations that were crashing and grating too hard against me. raw.
as if my search for magic had reignited my past view of the world and the people in it as loveable. Fallible yet loveable.
i had stopped floating again
and I feel an itch to move. I want to finish this project as I am intrigued with it, but frustrated not to have more time to immerse myself in it. but after that….?
something is calling my name again in the world. I met a man today who spoke my words back to me. Unlikely as he was a lawyer. but he even said he was a hippy at heart…..my line. ANd I asked the universe to give me a sign to show us where we might go. Some utopia. Yet he said he was going to stay right here and give up the worldly. And it does provoke me to think…well this else where utopia….what would it take to create it here? what is the expectation that this other place I will be ok not living in a beautiful house or having the kids at a fabulous school and all the wonderful accessories of this life.
I’m tired of filling the car with gas.
what does paradise look like and why on earth would I not create it here and now. The stupid thing is I love doing art and I may use many found objects but i use many tools from my glue gun to drill, jigsaw….could I really do without? Or even the space to create.
Tv- dont care about, internet- truthfully I could do without but that would be really hard. hot water? kettle? fridge? power? I mean how minimal could I go?
But that’s interesting that one imagines or at least I am imagining a simple life means a life without technology. Modern appliances. But maybe simplicity and harmony are not about those things or even location…..HA lesson number one, start with the inner world.
needing a sabbatical from myself.
needing a cleanse
yet all the while longing for rich magic and lush spells creates a contradiction like my protestant white walls. Empty space, full of mystery.
and this music Im listening to (peer gynt) – gives the illusion of uncomplicated space, yet is rich and sonorous and holds in its gentle melody, threads of my childhood. I used to listen to this music when I was little and dance to it. I knew its bitter-sweet delicacy. Its melancholy. such depth for so young, but i felt it better then, than I can now. like Im too full of those experiences to let its vibration resonate fully. Im sad about that.
I think the emptiness of youth is what I envy but the form of my age satisfies me in another way.
I smell my blood, and I can look at it dispassionately now. Removed from the blade, the scar. but yet still not empty enough.
sitting with the pulling, the tugging
wanting to be more sober than ive ever been
wanting to be awake and empty
and smelling of fresh dew laden grass.
brown loam strong under foot.