“Living whilst dying – Dying whilst living” is the name of one of the pieces I did for Paradox. It fascinated me to think how we are perpetually in those two states, yet more pointed when faced with a terminal illness.
Yesterday I went to Leo’s funeral. A shocking death. As unexpected as death can be. An elegant death, if death can ever be such a thing?
The church service was full of catholic warnings of sins and hell. I have never wanted to stand up more and shout or challenge. But tried to, even in my thoughts, be respectful for the family and their grief. But Leo was not there. not mentioned by the Priest to any degree to imagine what his soul is or where it is. His coffin nor body present either.
Only at the wake when people were able to get up and talk about him did I feel him.
Such a vibrant, vital man, who still strides about in my head.
I wondered throughout where his soul was. If he could see us all fidgeting at the Priests conditions for paradise. Seemed so absurd to imagine him suffering for his sins after death any more than he would have in life. Ina said she didnt know why it happened.
and all I could think is that it is a mystery. in fact life and death and god and carnal are Mystery. And only through embracing this mystery – Mystery that we don’t know and we can’t know – that we might find a modicum of peace at a time like this when life/ death juggernauts through us. flux is existence and nothing is known except the inevitable unknown death of our physical form.
but we are given so many false doctrines. Equations. If i do what im told – if I’m a ‘good girl’ then nothing bad will happen to me. Its absurd. But this is an insidious belief and there is some quiet judgement that when shit things happen to ppl , that well, maybe they ‘did something wrong’.
There is no explanation how could there be. Leo is gone. An empty space where he filled. and the essence of Leo?
could i draw that, now the vessel has gone?
what would that look like?
I feel so incapable of expressing the vastness of a soul, the complication of the ambiguous personality or the shifting of a quicksand expression. Everyone truthfully a hologram to me, only ever existing as something my mind interprets. But never capable of seeing the full 360 of a person. The full range that they can/or have been. The gaping potentiality that is deceptively quiet in us all. I never knew i was capable of the things i have done. And now having done them, is that who i am? Is that what now defines me? Or now that I have done them, does the potentiality no longer resonate, like a battery- the energy is now gone? And a different potentiality waits to be lived through me? and does any of that actually define me? Or is it ever known by others, even if they dont know the things i have done? Or how would it colour your opinion of me now, if you did know? And is any of that any full description of me anyway?
I can only be a hologram to you.
and vice versa. sigh.
Leo, as an unimaginable soul, and a unknowable person, wherever you are in the mystery that is…..I hope you are at peace.