busy doing nothing- it seems

i have not looked at my art work for so long i feel that i have forgotten myself.  But I realise as ever that this is part of the process.  (or at least I will conjure a pretty filigree and not call it procrastination!)

The portraits have stopped for now, because I am too challenged by people.  I used to say i love people in the abstract but in the personal, i am challenged.

My intention, if I can even remember now, is to find the commonality to each person.  And I suppose i have to confess a bias that I want to find a deeper love for each of my subjects.  But I seem to be going through some dislike/ judgement for everyone!

which has brought me on a long journey to my front door.

and self love….which just sounds so ridiculous, is what i am wanting to learn about…I figure until I can look in the inner mirror of self and embrace all my multiple aspects, then I am going to continue to be repelled by ‘other’ humans.

So I have this strange yearning to fall in love with myself.  My sig others take up so much of my time and energy….O and I constantly sliding from one dance to the next, in a dizzy twist from one rhythm to the next.  a seductive solo clarinet accompanying our erotic tango that suddenly in a breath becomes a foxtrot….how so fast?  so distracting – yet compelling.

it is ever my challenge to bring me back to my center, but now, i want to be in my center with the soft wet eyes of a lover.  and caress and revivify my beauty and shit.  Funny I am more content with my ‘badness’ than the opposite.  So I despise the opposite in others- ridiculous…how can I paint or create with such a ridiculous bias.

we just watched ‘malena’ with Monica Belucci- and if ever there was a reason to NOT vilify beauty or in fact project anything onto beauty…..

and me with my small acts of violence when confronted with civility and pretty conversation..and mild flirtations…I did two vile things..which i cant tell…..horrid child that I am….then I cried, more wept at myself and life!

How to put all that the glory the beauty the petty small horror, into a vision of another person?  Because the truth is we are all on the same path….we all have the same ’emotions’ that we deal with or not.  caught in this ridiculous farce called life…

I say again surely there is a better way?

and ask myself, what would it feel like to love myself totally?

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